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freedmoople1

 

Our humour editor is Fred Moople. He has been making people laugh pretty much from the day he was born!

I have noticed a trend recently and one that as a reporter with a nose for societal trends, I am all over like a cheap suit!

We might as well admit it, there are a lot of us who are perpetually offended by just about every tv ad, youtube video,and popular media video/article.

I want to make it easier for us perpetually offended types by creating the Fred Moople Society for the Perpetually Offended.

We will be offering both a handbook and workshops in the near future.

Here is a preview of what will be addressed.

Any media that displays anything to do with an animal which is not hopelessly cute and cuddly will cause us to be offfended because these poor animals have no right to decide how they are being used and we demand this material be revoked.

Any commentary that critizes anbody other than a white guy for any reason is to be removed since it is offensive to an apparent minority.

Any use of women in videos or images where they look too sexy should be cause for a claim of sexism and we of the perpetually offended will object most profoundly.

However make it clear it is ok to have tons of media that shows people getting beat to crap or shot through the head with gallons of blood spraying all over the place, since that is just plain fun. We don't want to ruin all the fun.

Memberships will be available soon for the low price of $99 a year which will entitle you to our membership card and discounts on our new line of merchandise.

We will be selling a lovely t-shirt with the logo "I am offended and you should be too!"

There will be a matching set of baseball caps with the single word "OFFENDED!".

I hope you will be able to join this wonderful organization, since I will be deeply offended if you do not!

 

 

 

I have just received my brand new Rob Ford bobblehead doll and I am super excited!

The doll does resemble the mayor - if he was 75 pounds lighter -  but hey that's just a detail!

The rest of the doll is compleletly authentic. It smokes crack, drinks a huge container of beer and then pukes on its own shoes! Awesome, just like the real thing!

The doll is easy to clean, so after each "mistake" you can have it ready to go in no time!

When I heard there was a new portrait of Rob Ford to be revealed soon, I new I had to get involved. Below is my tribute to the amazing Rob Ford!

Hello all my loyal readers (especially you women). I am pleased to announce my new book "Fifty Shades of Fred" is finally available for your reading enjoyment.

Here are a few exciting excerpts:

From Chapter One where Fred meets Natasha.

The hotel room was all satin and silk. Natasha was dressed in a lovely cotton sun dress (and nothing else not even false eye lashes).

"Natasha you are a vision, let me ravish you!"

"How the hell did you get in here?"

"Oh, well I was here to deliver your lunch but I thought you might like some Fred under glass."

"I would rather see you under a truck!"

"Natasha please, you know I got the real magic."

"Magic? How about you make yourself disappear or maybe I could shove a sword down your throat!"

"You really aren't getting into the ...."

I never got to finish that sentence, as a lamp came flying through the air and knocked me unconscious.

I had the most amazing fantasy of Natasha and I, until I awoke at the local jail.


Excerpt from Chapter 11 Midnight in Mobile

It was a beautiful moonlit night, the placid sea reflecting the brilliance of the full moon.

I turned to the lovely creature lying on the beach beside me:

"My dear, moonlight so becomes you."

"Fred, I am over here you are lying next to a gator!"

I leaped up and quickly ran over to my lovely Anna, who was seated on an fallen tree.

"Aw my dear this stump is a perfect place to cuddle"

"Fred, you say the stupidest things and besides its not a stump, its a log"

"Good point, but you do look so delightful in the yellow highlights the moon gives you."

"That's my make-up! I wear Mustard Satin by Sir Morton of Mobile."

"Ok, well you still look pretty good, how about a big old kiss?"

"Ok, but you still owe me 50 bucks from the last time."

"I swear I am good for it...."

"You had better be, you loser geek!"

I leaned over to kiss my lovely (and pricey) Anna, she quickly slid over and my face slammed down on the log, forcing my teeth into the gnarly bark.

"Ugh, that was nasty", I said.

"Yeah nasty, but damn funny, you got brown stuff all over your teeth!"

"Anna, would you kiss me if I brush my teeth?"

"Sure, if you brush them with a street cleaner, go lie down in the road."

"Let's focus on the lovely moonlight shall we?", I pleaded.

"Its not the moon you dummy, its the streetlight. You know the one I usually hang out under and wait for my clients"

I sighed "Yes I see, but can't we just pretend?"

"Sure Fred you can pretend you aren't a giant loser and I will pretend not to notice how ugly you are, how about that?"

"Double your fee?", I enquired

"Come and get it big boy!"

Aww true love at last.


 

I managed to catch the illusive Mike Puffy when he headed for the washroom last week. I quickly jumped into the adjoining stall and got this interview with the scandal-ridden Puffy.

FM: Mr. Puffy?

MP: What? Who the hell is that?

FM: It's me Fred Moople, I am the humour editor at the Old Strathcona Times, I would like to ask you some questions about....

MP: Moople get away from me, can't you see I am busy!!

FM: So sorry Mr. Puffy but this was the only way I could get a sit down interview with you.

MP: Moople you have no conscience. Can't a man relieve himself without you barging in?

FM: This might be an opportune moment for you to clear your name.

MP: The only thing I am clearing right now has nothing to do with my name!

FM: Point taken Mr. Puffy, but don't you want to address all of the issues around your expense claims?

MP: Listen Moople, my expenses are my business, not yours, and come to think of it when I am doing my business it is none of your business!

FM: eh?

MP: We should let the investigation proceed and let the chips fall where they may.

FM: I can hear the chips falling as we speak.

MP: Very funny Moople, but you know what I mean, I am not a cheater or a liar!

FM: I understand sir, but that big cheque you got looks somewhat suspicious would you not agree?

MP: No I would not! Just because a friend handed me a few bucks is not a crime!

FM: Of course, but it does look like some sort of payola to make bad news go away.

MP: That is your assumption Moople, I just needed some cash that is all.

FM: Why didn't you just pay off your own debt, instead of asking for help?

MP: Ok so I came up a bit short, I have a lot of expenses and I travel a lot, can you not understand that?

FM: I do Mr. Puffy, I have a limited travel budget myself, but do you not think that your expenses were a bit over the line?

MP: Over what line Moople? I submitted my claims and I got paid. Just because somebody made clerical errors does not make me a criminal!

FM: Ok, but do you not feel somewhat guilty that all of this has the potential to injury your own political party and it leadership?

MP: They are big boys and girls, they can take care of themselves and get the hell out of here and let me take care of myself. Ok Moople?

FM: Yes sir, my apologies for the intrusion.

MP: Whatever Moople, just get the hell out, but before you do, can you hand me some extra tissue?

FM: Of course, Mr. Puffy.

I peeled off a few squares from the roller and held them under the stall divider. A rather puffy pink hand grabbed them quickly from my hand.

MP: Thanks, now hit the road Moople!

I was on my way out when I heard a cell phone ring.

MP: Puffy here!  What!...... are you kidding?.... they are?.... what the hell... they can't do this....thanks and bye!

MP: Moople!

FM: Yes sir?

MP: Sit Moople!

FM: Yes sir.

MP: Moople here is your scoop! The Puffmeister is about to become puff pastry. I am going to be thrown under the bus and run over backwards and forwards! The long knives are out Moople, and they are slicing up the Puffster for dessert! Now get out and let me wallow!

FM: Yes sir.

I gingerly opened my stall and left the washroom.